Big Breath

My son had his first birthday a few weeks ago.

Mr Y called my husband asking when he would see my son again. My husband is not ready for his father to see our son.

We saw Mrs Y. She is really good with my son and my son adores her. It was sweet to see them together and so sad. Why is Mr Y just so selfish?

My husband wants him to go into counseling not for himself, but for my husband’s sake.

It’s just so sad.

I went back to work recently. It’s nice to have something to be irritated by other than the “whole incest thing.” My co-workers don’t understand why I grin like a simpleton when they are obviously stressed out with whatever work issue they have. Work has been really good for me.

My next step is to get some more space for my social life. I haven’t had one in about a year. Firstly because of the baby, then because of this whole incident.

I feel really really sad today about it all. I couldn’t celebrate my son’s birthday the way I wanted to. I couldn’t have a big celebration and not invite everyone. I know I could have but despite how I feel about Mrs and Mr Y I feel sorry for them.

They are so sad.

And it makes me so sad for my husband.

The End

It’s not really the end, but it is an end.

I need to move on with my life. I think I’ve processed this enough. Now I’m just impatient to get on with my life. I feel strong enough to tell them to back off and leave me alone. I feel strong enough to make plans for my family’s future without making plans around Mr and Mrs Y.

It’s been difficult because the culture I grew up in dictates that you respect your elders especially your in-laws. They could have had a great daughter-in-law. It’s their loss.

My son is my number one priority. I need to keep plodding along with my plan so that we can move to a better area and access better public schools. I will keep living my life and maybe one day I’ll feel comfortable enough with the idea of them seeing my son. Maybe when my son can talk and walk, but that’s only because I know my husband wants his mother to see my son. I’m ok with that so long as she stops sending me loaded manipulative cards.

So I’ll tell him to speak to her about these cards. I’m open to an honest conversation but not to these gestures and stupid cards about the brevity of life, praying for the day we can be as before…I’ve learnt that you can feel compassion for someone, but not get involved.

And this has nothing to do with religion.

New phase

I feel that this is coming to a close and I’m reaching a point of stability. I know where things stand and what my boundaries will be. I suppose disclosing this to some good friends was an important step. My husband’s been really sick lately and I just can’t not detach. He’s been under a lot of stress and he’s not well. His blood tests showed liver problems - which the doctor said could be glandular fever again. You’re not supposed to get it more than once, but I suppose when the immune system is down.

Things are turning around. We’ve both had a change in work situation, he doesn’t have to get up at an obscene hour anymore, he’ll only have to catch one train to work, he’ll have more time at home. He’ll have a few night shifts, but the pay off is that he gets the days off to sleep in, relax, to spend with me and my baby. I’m really looking forward to this second half of the year.

This first half has been hellish. It’s the first time I’ve experienced such intense stress and pain from external factors. I know that seven years ago people were dying around me and I was in a very strange place, but at least there is some sense in death. It’s part of life. There seems to be more sense in clinical depression and anxiety. But this? I just have to accept that it is what it is.

Processing this has been like processing a death - the five stages. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance.

I will keep this blog up for a little while longer as I may need to return here at some point. But for now, I’m closing this chapter and moving on with my life.

Feeling better

I am feeling heaps better. Telling people about this has helped me stay sane. I’m glad I didn’t pretend that everything was OK and cover up for them. I know there’s still a taboo around this subject and I suppose I didn’t tell people about it because I thought it would reflect badly upon my son or husband or even me. I know this is irrational - but that’s just what happens I guess.

I had a great day at work. I just enjoy being around people - of course I’m probably working alongside a paedophile. There are so many out there. I’ve confided in a few people and from this disclosure, I’ve discovered another 3-4 paedophile/incest perpetrators. It seems as if almost everyone knows someone. It’s definitely the last taboo and I really hope that in telling people, other people talk about it with the people around them.

The best path for me is to maintain my boundaries. I felt so much better after talking to my husband about this very honestly and asked him to tell Mr and Mrs Y to leave me alone…for now. To be honest I don’t think I want my son to have a relationship with them, but maybe for my husband’s sake I might do two token visits a year - when there are lots of other people around. But I’m not going to put myself through the stress of arranging a separate birthday party for my son so that they can attend. I will speak to my own parents about how they feel about it. I think if they were with my son when he sees Mr and Mrs Y, I might allow it. I can’t let my husband take my son to see them alone because I don’t want Mr Y touching my son. I know he’s not going to abuse him in public and he doesn’t abuse little boys, but my son could have been my daughter and if he were a little girl I probably would not let him see the baby at all.

The psychologist explained that people like Mr Y are arrested in their development. When they abuse children they are back at the age they were abused or exposed to sex. Which is why it’s so important children do not engage in pre-pubescent sexual activity. That he is a “pseudo-adult” when he does “normal” things like go to work, run a business. The psychologists say that it’s a “vulnerability” which means he just cannot be around children from 6-12 years old by himself and Mrs Y in her “Love will conquer all. God bless” mode cannot be trusted because she will leave him with children. (It happened again and again). Of course the family tell me it’s ok because some of the grandkids have been left with him and “nothing” has happened. Sure.
Then why do the kids pick up on a “dirty old man” vibe. Maybe he has been dormant for a long time, but I would feel icky leaving my child with them.

It’s been a very sad time for my husband.

I feel very sad that he has lost his parents because they are just not who he thinks they are. Maybe we all have multiple personalities and this is an extreme case.

I find that I can be more zen about this now that I’ve set my boundaries. Now that I’ve decided I’m staying in this position and I can’t be persuaded to change my stand, I am more relaxed and can begin to view it from a less emotionally charged perspective.

I’m going to go to my other blog now to blog the less taboo things in my life.

What I said to Mr Y…

Of the friends I’ve confided in, they are curious as to how you actually confront a paedophile. Most people don’t have this “honour”, so I thought I’d share it with the world. It’s not fun confronting a paedophile, child rapist, especially one who you knew as a harmless old man. Good citizen, respectable church member, Justice of Peace. I know I’m being bold here, giving more and more details about this man. I don’t want to see him fall apart or go to jail because that would cause more headaches, more finger pointing and anyway the people who were abused by him have moved on.

The children we were trying to protect now have their parents to protect them. It’s their problem now and all I can do is stand my ground so that they know it’s not OK. You cannot let your guard down. I’ve read so much about paedophiles, incest perpetrators and they can’t change. It’s an addiction. They don’t want to be this way, but they are selfish and the only way to stop it from happening again is sending them somewhere where they can get counselling - it’s for us to feel safe around them.

I went to see Mr Y about 4 months ago. I was incensed that he used my “overreaction” as an excuse. I have the problem because I have had “bad experiences”. I was so angry at him, at the counsellor who may have suggested this, at his oldest daughter who frantically told my husband “L doesn’t understand. Something bad must have happened to her for her to have this reaction”. Her husband yapping in her ear, “What’s their problem”.

So I decided to just see Mr Y and tell him where I stood. Too many mixed messages. I was ready for Mrs Y to be there as well. When we got there, Y was looking very nervous and pink, very flushed. I have never seen an old person looking so flushed. He had obviously been crying. It was like seeing a wayward student after I’ve sent him out of the classroom.

It was difficult for me to remember that he was the same person who raped and abused his daughters, masturbated to incest sites probably the same day he held my son.

He said that he was here to listen to me and I started talking.
So I started telling him I was there to discuss my son’s relationship with him. He basically has no relationship with my son and if it were solely my decision that is where things would end. But he’s lucky he
has other family members, whose views I respect, still supporting him and urging me to give him one more chance - the counselling path. But until he does it, there is no relationship with my son. My son cannot know him until he has reached a point in counselling where he can explain things to my son in a way I’m satisfied with. He doesn’t know how to do this now, but with counseling he’ll have insight. (Is counselling with one or two ls?

I told him the reason I’m asking for this is because I do not want to keep such terrible secrets from my son. I do not want to be forced to keep a secret the way the rest of his family have for so long. It’s not healthy. Also I have to consider my son’s reaction when he’s older. What am I going to tell him if he has happy childhood pictures bouncing up and down Mr Y’s lap. Sure many people don’t think this far ahead, but I do. My son’s physical and mental welfare is my number one priority.

I went over my disgust at the porn sites.

He asked for my forgiveness.

I told him that’s not the point. People have been too forgiving which is why he continued raping and abusing one daughter after another.

I used the words “rape” “abuse” “penetrate” “sodomy” a lot because I don’t think “the past” gives full weight to what happened. He physically curled up a bit everytime I said “raped your daughters”. But it’s what he did. I wanted him to know that I knew and wasn’t hiding behind euphemisms.
I told him that as a mother knowing what I know it makes complete common sense to run a mile - so don’t spend more time analysing my reaction to it.

He said he would shoot himself if he hurt another child. I scoffed and said that was stupid and even more selfish. I told him how he was so lucky he had family members who wanted to go into counselling with him so that their family could heal.

He looked a bit surprised when i said i had been in contact with almost all of the sisters and know details of the past rape. He sank back in his chair and curled up slightly when I repeated things that happened to them. I suppose at the time of the abuse and even afterwards, he never knew that someone would want to know exactly what happened.

At this point he looked really small, put his forehead on his hands and sobbed.

Of course I am human and felt bad for him, but I remembered he was who he is, and has continued behaving in a selfish way, in a way that affects me and my family.

I asked him what his legacy would be. I told him that he has disappointed my husband who was (brainwashed) to believe that he was ok. Only weeks earlier he had said that he enjoyed seeing his father with my son. I get a lot of joy seeing my parents with my son, it’s something that my husband will never experience because of this loser.
I spoke about the mother of the girls who did not know at the time. I told her I could not look her in the eye. I can’t lie. So I won’t see her because I’m being gagged and they were applying so much pressure on us to not do anything - even though their daughters wander freely into their house - unattended. Mrs Y is an enabler so cannot be trusted either.

At the time my husband and I said she needed to know, someone has to tell her. I can’t live with myself if she doesn’t know and you (a creepy paedophile) still has access to her kids.

He said, “Why do you have to cause more pain?

It was strange talking so frankly with a paedophile, and it was weird speaking to my husband’s father as if he were a sexual deviant - which he is.

By the end of it I felt better and thought he actually was remorseful. That was before he sent a letter demanding an apology.

Going back to work today

I have mixed feelings about going back to work later this afternoon. I knew I needed to get out of the house and just engage in something so that I don’t have my entire brain space eaten up by this secret - which isn’t such a big secret anymore because I’ve started directing a few good friends to this blog. It’s good to have their (your) support.

It’s good not to keep secrets because it makes you think you’re growing a second head from your forehead. You wonder whether people can tell that you’re holding this terrible dark secret and then over compensate. I had some work earlier in the year around the time everything was still coming out and I’m sure the woman I interviewed for this project found me over the top. I seemed just too enthusiastic and was babbling a million miles per hour.

It eats up so much space that you have to make sure that you fence it off, keep it at bay. It becomes an artificial way of living.

I was wondering last night just what would make me feel better. Obviously Mr and Mrs Y think they are fine. I might even post their letter up here - but white out the names to protect the innocent - ie. me, my husband and son. So telling the world won’t fix anything - the only way I can even stomach looking at these people is if they are upfront with me and can explain to me in a way I understand just why I should allow my son to see them. “Family unity” is not a reason. “Stop the suffering of the innocent” is manipulative bullshit.

Of course this won’t happen because they cannot explain things. They have been brainwashed by their church who tells them, or they choose to believe, that God forgives them.

I’m just finding it difficult because I want to cut them out, but my husband cannot support me 100%. Everytime he goes to a family gathering, I feel even more isolated and like a freak of nature because I get a pathetic phone call from Mrs Y about “Oh it would have been lovely to see you”.

I also can’t see them because I can’t keep what I think to myself and the part of me that has been raised to respect all old people would feel guilty if they broke down. But that’s their problem. Even Hitler would have grown old.

Incest family dynamics

One thing that I’ve learnt about incest family dynamics is that they do not like outsiders.

They are like a cult. So they believe in this lie and can justify it through a religious framework.

They minimise sexual assault, abuse of a minor, internet porn.

They make you feel like YOU are the one with the problem.

They try to drag their members back into their cult. I now understand why they made so many insidious comments about other in-laws. Stockholm sister actually said she can’t wait till one of her sister divorces her husband. They always speak ill of the in-laws. I was ok for a while when they thought I had accepted Mr Y, I didn’t accept him. I DIDN’T KNOW!

Sometimes I think maybe I should go and see him, see how I feel. But the last time I saw him I couldn’t hold back and told him what I thought. I try to hold back with Mrs Y because my husband still loves her as a mother (she kept him safe - can’t say much for the other kids), but the best I could do was one word answers and walk away.

Buddhists say that you must be like a log, do not react to these people. I try to do this. I try to do this when they try to engage me in anyway.

I don’t want to be part of their family. I don’t want any of us to be part of the family, but my husband’s life has been about his family (drilled into him - nothing else was valued except his family. Imagine being brainwashed like this your whole life) so I feel for him. I’m trying to encourage him to reach out to good friends. Even when I met him I felt he was distant when I first met him…It’s just such a sad situation. I don’t want my son to be a part of this sadness. He’s just giggling and gurgling all the time. I’m so glad I was able to leave him with my parents when we were going through the difficult days.

When you find out something this shocking, it is like being winded. All the cliches are true.

Disclosure

I have been keeping the “dark secret” a secret for a long time.  I had to keep it secret to protect the “victims”. But I have spoken to most of the victims and most of them are really happy to talk about it and love that it’s now less of a secret.

So now I’m telling friends. It’s been difficult because people ask me how I am, and for the past six months I have been completely emotionally drained by the bullshit of the Y family. It’s not always terrible, but there have not managed to string together more than a few days of incest free days. It’s always there. I asked one of the sisters, “When does it go away? Will it go away when Mr Y and Mrs Y die?” But I don’t want them to die. It just makes it even more difficult because they play the role of dying old people. I want them to be healthy, younger so I don’t have to maintain this facade.

It’s so stressful maintaining this facade.

My husband is going to meet up with both Mr and Mrs Y for his birthday. What can I say? They are his parents, he was treated well by them, it is easier for him to see them because then if Mrs Y falls apart I do not get people pointing fingers at me. I don’t know why these people don’t just leave us alone for a while, give us space. That is stop bombarding with cards, phone calls. Thank god we live so far away or else they’d be on our doorstep. Thank god I’m financially independent of them. Thank god we have the support of my family. My parents are really worried about my stress levels because I’ve broken out in hives, lowered immune system and just seem disturbed by it all.

I read a book by Ben Elton called “Blind Faith” this morning. It has nothing to do with paedophilia or incest, but it has to do with ignorance and people who blindly accept a man-made organised religion that has been manipulated to serve the interests of a small group of selfish people. It’s also about our “It’s all about Me - fuck look at me” culture. This has nothing to do with incest, and it’s nice to be consumed by non-incest thoughts.

I’ve spoken to some friends and my sister about this. I just don’t know how to make it go away. One of my sister-in-laws said that it does get easier, but she reassured me that it was normal to feel this way. I think if I didn’t have my baby I wouldn’t care so much because without no one would really care if I went along to things or not if I wasn’t the keeper of my baby.

One of the Godly in-laws, I’ll call him Nixon, has been very judgmental. He and his wife, one of the survivors/victims, have allowed their children access to Mr Y. They are convinced that Mr Y has not been “evil” in this time. They are Godly, so they believe with love you can change someone. Me? I believe in a lot of psycho-therapy and perhaps chemical castration, modification of the hormones. Their daughters have said that Mr Y is like a dirty old man “but he wouldn’t do anything”, and for some parents it ok to have your kids cared for by a dirty old man. For me? I don’t want the dirty old man to even touch my son. My son might have easily been a daughter.

The birthday season has been a headache. I’ve organized a get together with some of my good friends, invited the Y family members who I don’t have to act around, but I can’t call any birthday a birthday because well I’m trying to be sensitive - TO A FUCKING PAEDOPHILE AND HIS ENABLER WIFE’S NEEDS!

I think I have reached a point where I do not want anything to do with them. But it’s too difficult to cut them out of my life completely because of my son, and my husband. I just can’t deal with ignorant people and not on this scale. I feel so sad for my son that he is related to these people.

Why …why me?

My life is actually pretty cool - if you excise this incest business from my life.

My baby’s birthday is coming up. Mr and Mrs Y really value birthdays and the Stockholm syndrome members really value them as well. It’s a ritual that affirms their world view. I’m just not comfortable around any of these people and don’t see why I should put myself under such stress. My health has been affected by the stress levels. They seem to think that I’m overly sensitive, I’ve always been accused of thinking too much - they are really screwed up and do nothing to make things more comfortable for me. I just realised what completely different worlds my husband and I come from and it’s only a common school curriculum, and wider social values that we meet halfway.

He understands why I can’t see these people, but I know that he would like it if I could see these people and put on a front. I’ve just never been good at small talk and what do you say to someone who disgusts you? I would need to clear the air. Do I say, Hey Mr P I think you’re really fucked up, the core of you is fucked up, you’re selfish, misogynistic, child rapist and I really don’t want much to do with you, but you know I’ll do it for my husband.

Why would I do this for my husband? I don’t think love is good enough an excuse. You need more than love to sustain a marriage. At first I thought it was great that my husband had such a close knit family. But now I realise it’s not really close - it’s all superficial. They may love each other, but no one can really count on each other or really knows each other because there’s so much that’s not said.

I’m now just sending friends to this website when they ask me how I am, but because the backstory takes so long to explain and everything takes so long to explain.

I just can’t deal with these people. Their holier than thou hypocrisy. I don’t like to be told every time I have contact with people that they are suffering - sure they’re suffering, they’ve done bad things. They’re supposed to feel guilt if they’re not completely psychopathic. I’m suffering.

There comes a time where people have to make choices. My marriage is fine for now, but they chip away at it. “She doesn’t understand, she’s not like us”.

It’s just really really really difficult. These people have no insight. They even said to my husband, well nothing happened to you.

What’s wrong with these fucking people?

Can’t sleep

Mrs Y is a vapid twit.

I’m not sleeping well for several reasons, some of them non-incest related. But yesterday was another day where Mr Y’s selfish, criminal acts seeped into peaceful life.

I’m in an OK place, this whole family drama aside. Though my view of the world has changed, my interactions with everyone else has been affected by this incest drama. At first I thought I had to keep it to myself but why should I? It’s keeping things secret that make things worse.

I went for a walk with my baby yesterday and when I came back my husband was just getting off the phone with Mrs Y.

Mrs Y does not get it. Our psych friend pointed out that of course Mr and Mrs Y think that I’m a complete weirdo for not wanting to see them. Everyone else in the family has come back into the fold. It’s not by choice, it’s just a lot of mind games. Mr and Mrs Y like to remind everyone they are old and there’s not much time left, they like to play that “You might regret not spending more time with us,” card.

The more I think about it, the more confident I am with my decision.

This year has been about me reaching a point where I have come to terms with all the disturbing information and making a decision on where I stand, free of bullshit from my husband’s family of origin.

I just don’t have energy for these deluded and damaged people. I do not even want to see Mrs Y. Why does she call up and keep telling my husband that Mr Y is suffering?

Well yes, this is what happens to people when they do bad things unless they are complete psychopaths. They are so selfish and cannot for one minute consider the idea that I have found it so incredibly painful and difficult this year. It’s all about them. Mrs Y keeps saying to my husband, “But it didn’t happen to you.” Their children are unable to maintain their boundaries because Mr and Mrs Y are relentless.

She called me yesterday but kept the conversation short. She did not know how to deal with someone who doesn’t make up excuses or makes her life easier. So what if you suffered a lot raising children in poverty and without much help. A lot of people go through this, they don’t have a martyr complex.

I just don’t want my child to have anything to do with these people. The Godly relatives don’t understand why. They think that my husband will regret supporting his heathen wife’s stance.

It’s caused a bit of marital tension because I was not told before we married about this fucked up family. I can understand why my husband never told me - it was drilled into him that people on the outside must never know. I’m glad he’s not only told me but other people.

And why must there be “family unity”.

I just want to be free from this and to live my life, but once this is in your life on their terms - it’s impossible. Even if they die, it’s still going to hang over us.

It’s a sad sad situation.

This is why people like Mr Y need to be locked up or at least forced into counseling. It’s to make life easier for people around them.