Incest - eats up brain space

I’m a painter and was interviewed by local press for something I did that is non-incest related, as everything used to be. Of course being an artist they ask you what goes through your mind when you work at your art etc… and I was thinking, “well if you asked me this question 6 months ago I could give you a really cool answer but right now the thing dominating my headspace is my father-in-law’s “dark secret”". But instead waffled on about something else.
I’m a bit worried about how the interview will turn out and that’s the thing. Why do I want my son to have these thoughts in his brain? If he ends up like me, he will be a thinker and ponder things over and over again. Unless he’s going to be a writer or a psychiatrist or in the mental health field, these thoughts are pointless and a waste of time.

The thing I hate most about my in-laws is that they feel that everything that goes on in their family must be known to all in the family. The best thing about lying low is that they know nothing about what I do. Which is why I found the interview confronting. I have not seen them in so long. The first they will see of me is in the press.

I’m someone who is happiest when I am open and honest with myself and others around me.
This does not fit in well with the ethos of my in-laws who are about just sucking it up, putting on a show for public consumption and the myth of the family.

I really would love to move away from where we are living if my own family was not so supportive. When the interviewer asked me about my family, I wasn’t thinking of it in terms of the art work I produced but in terms of this incest family that wants to claim my husband and son. I really really hate that it eats up so much of my brain space.

I know I can see a shrink, but that’s just for me to vent. I have read the literature, I know the CBT to get over these feelings but I suppose being the sort of person that I am I really have to process it until it cannot be processed. My sister is a very different sort of person who seems to be able to make a decision and that’s it. She’s happy and confident in that decision. I second guess myself all the time even when I know I’m right.

I also hate the game of Chinese whispers that goes on in this family. “Nothing is secret in this family,” one member told me. “Eventually every body knows”. Well if you let them know.
It’s been so difficult trying to maintain my distance. Even in saying, “no I am not going to see you.” I hear things because my husband and I have always been very honest with each other.
We have always told each other everything. Our openness with each other is what makes our relationship so special. But now, I’ve had to say, “please don’t tell me what your siblings tell you” because I know the parents say things intended for our ears.

The latest is that Mr Y has taken down my son’s photograph by his desk. The one that said “I Love Grandpa”. We gave it to him the last time he had cancer. I knew he had a past, but felt sorry for him and he seemed kind of pathetic and harmless. And I didn’t know the full extent of what he did and I had assimilated into the borg.

Mrs Y has said to other family members it’s just so sad. Why must we make him suffer so (or so they say). What these retarded incest perpetrator and denier don’t realise is that their other kids and their partners are forced to accept them. It’s just the way things have been. The gambling son has to accept them or else he has to make his own way in life. He will to his father’s face put on a civil front and then feel completely creeped out and call my husband about the latest uncomfortable incident.

I suppose I have difficulties accepting Mr and Mrs Y even though I can handle many grey areas in life - I can probably accept a drug lord who doesn’t kill people. But rape and murder - I just don’t think anyone can go back from there. I think anyone who commits these acts and especially the rape or murder of children are beyond rehabilitation and at least acknowledge that they are seriously fucked up.

I also hate how this has made me turn towards atheism. I’ve always been atheist but an open and tolerant atheist. I really loved the idea that some people found faith in religion but now I cannot see the good in any of it. When World Youth Day comes to my city, I’m going to be wondering how many of these people are future criminals who hide behind the church.