It’s been a year since I last blogged here. I closed down the blog because I felt stronger and that I didn’t need to emote as much to stay sane, or that I didn’t need validation of others to stay strong….
I’m feeling pathetic because I’ve been on hold for some crisis line because I just needed to talk about this to someone and the counselor said, “what’s your problem? Your story is convoluted. You make no sense.”
And the thing is, it doesn’t make any sense why this affects me today – except that the Paeds made contact today and disowned my husband for not accepting him and his mother keeps talking about how sad, old and frail she is.
The whole situation is farcical, tragic and intriguing – oh the anonymous counselor (fisher of narratives)’s words. It’s not intriguing you fuck wit and yes it is out of your realm of experience…and maybe you’re just volunteering to get your welfare payments. I don’t know.
But this is what’s bothering me:
* If I had not discovered the internet pornography, no one would have been wiser and the happy facade could have been maintained. Everyone has moved on/continued living in denial – so what is my problem??
This is my problem:
1. I really don’t like to be around a man who has raped 3-4 of his daughters. I don’t care if he’s got one of his daughters to testify what a great grandfather he is and decent dad. It creeps me out.
1. I really hate how manipulative he is and how he is now the good guy in all of this.
Fact:
1. I’m just trying to lead my life and protect my son.
2. I don’t want to be around that bad energy.
3. I am really really sad about the whole situation.
4. I’m not the anti-christ. I just hate people who use religion to justify and forgive raping children.
I should have called the cops – but it was too many years ago now and those who were abused don’t want to dig through history or are deeply religious and find it a very Christian experience and challenge to forgive the fucker.
I don’t like swearing so much. I don’t like seeing my husband so sad. I managed to not let it affect me for a very long time.
