I’m on anti-depressants and seeing a CBT psych. Other than this anonymous blog, I’ve really not worked through the incest issues and in addition to this, I have the every day life challenges that a mother of a young child who relies on her own stressful family in order to keep going with a career, to deal with. Some days I just want to run away and hide under a rock.
Maybe depression is just holding up the white flag and saying, “I’m sorry. I’ve had enough. I can’t cope. You can all do what you need to do. I’m going to just heal because my body physically can’t take on anymore weight and mentally, I’m falling apart.”
When you’re depressed, you have no option but to draw the line in the sand and maintain your boundaries. I’m done accommodating or caring.
The latest in the incest saga is that one of my sister-in-laws is getting married. I knew she would eventually and that we would have to attend, even if it was just the ceremony. I have kept my distance from the in-laws. I’ve had to do this for my own sanity. I can’t accept my incest perpetrator father-in-law, and don’t feel I need to invest in that relationship because there’s nothing to invest in. I understand and accept that his own children cope in different ways, and that some need to embrace him for their own healing. But I have no energy left. Every card the mother in law sends is draining. They have God, so they’re secure in knowing that He forgives all sinners – but I don’t have that framework, and even if I did, I’m sure my reasoning would be somewhat different.
People with religious zeal are less depressed.
Also, I have to deal with my own fucked up parents. I mean it’s benign stuff in comparison. A father whose expectations I will never live up to, one who likes to belittle my achievements because they’ll never amount to much compared to my sisters. That’s okay. He’s old. He’ll die thinking I’m the retarded sister, but I have to break free from this. I have a mother who has suffered from mental illness but never taken drugs or had therapy for it. Guided by my father who has his eccentric ideas, and is becoming more dottery and spoils my son to the point my son becomes a brat.
I want to run away sometimes, but then I’m dependent on them for help. So what to do. I just know that I cannot have another child. I love my son, but sometimes I wonder whether it might be easier if I were childless, and had less ties that bind.
