I had cancer. Fortunately, it’s a curable cancer – lymphoma, so since the last time I posted here there have been many changes in my life.

Firstly the in-laws do not factor into the equation.

I’m in psychotherapy. My husband is in psychotherapy and I’m emerging from the fog.

I only thought to post here today because we had contact with a sister in law who mentioned a few things, that triggered off some nasty memories.

I’m in therapy mostly for surviving cancer, the topic of which is on a more public blog which I attach my name to. But of course there are cross over issues. For a while, when I was quite ignorant about the disease, I was convinced the in-laws gave me cancer.

Today I’m feeling quite a few things. Mainly linked to the in-laws. Why do I still care?

What does it matter to me that the in-laws are bad mouthing me and that their “innocent” children are hurt and bewildered. As my psychologist pointed out, I’ve been in post traumatic stress for the past year or so. Well since i started this blog.

And what I’m learning is that it is not my problem. I have separated myself from the situation. It is no longer my situation.

We didn’t go to the wedding.

The thing is, I don’t know why I care about these people. Sure, junior members got lost and became collateral damage, but the problem with that family was unless you towed the party line – you had no access to “family” and not everyone in the family is a paedophile of course or an enabler.

But my conclusion is now this.

If you ever stumble across this blog. Just call in the professionals.

There is no other way to deal with this.

It’s a fucking Greek tragedy. I nearly died from stress and there’s another family member who has been diagnosed with cancer.

It’s all fucked.

Maybe depression is just holding up the white flag and saying, “I’m sorry. I’ve had enough. I can’t cope. You can all do what you need to do. I’m going to just heal because my body physically can’t take on anymore weight and mentally, I’m falling apart.”

When you’re depressed, you have no option but to draw the line in the sand and maintain your boundaries. I’m done accommodating or caring.

The latest in the incest saga is that one of my sister-in-laws is getting married. I knew she would eventually and that we would have to attend, even if it was just the ceremony. I have kept my distance from the in-laws. I’ve had to do this for my own sanity. I can’t accept my incest perpetrator father-in-law, and don’t feel I need to invest in that relationship because there’s nothing to invest in. I understand and accept that his own children cope in different ways, and that some need to embrace him for their own healing. But I have no energy left. Every card the mother in law sends is draining. They have God, so they’re secure in knowing that He forgives all sinners – but I don’t have that framework, and even if I did, I’m sure my reasoning would be somewhat different.

People with religious zeal are less depressed.

Also, I have to deal with my own fucked up parents. I mean it’s benign stuff in comparison. A father whose expectations I will never live up to, one who likes to belittle my achievements because they’ll never amount to much compared to my sisters. That’s okay. He’s old. He’ll die thinking I’m the retarded sister, but I have to break free from this. I have a mother who has suffered from mental illness but never taken drugs or had therapy for it. Guided by my father who has his eccentric ideas, and is becoming more dottery and spoils my son to the point my son becomes a brat.

I want to run away sometimes, but then I’m dependent on them for help. So what to do. I just know that I cannot have another child. I love my son, but sometimes I wonder whether it might be easier if I were childless, and had less ties that bind.

The issue has never gone away. Since I last wrote, my husband decided to cut off contact with his father, but then this week they made contact again with the father’s birthday. The family love birthdays. It’s always around this time of the year that they make a big deal to celebrate everyone’s birth. It’s around this time of the year that I make terrible jokes such as, “well just as well the sperm that ended up being you, ended up in your mother.” It’s also approaching my son’s birthday and it will be another small birthday with just my little family. However, I do have a sister flying in from the US for the occasion, so it will be an occasion. I felt a little down same time last year.  It’s winter here. Initially, I concealed my identity by situating myself fictitiously in the Northern Hemisphere, but I’m in Australia, Southern Hemisphere.

Around this time we get more phone calls. It’s anxiety over birthdays. Will we attend everyone’s birthdays? Anyone’s birthdays.

I decided not to work this semester and focus on finishing my studies. Had I worked, studied and parented, it would have taken me another couple of years, but I’m finding that not having that outside distraction gives me too much time to think. Thinking too much is futile. Which is why I lavishly divide myself on-line and have three or four blogs to dump various thoughts that clutter my mind.

But this is the situation.

In January, one of the sister in laws is getting married. Her husband to be is converting to Catholicism and I suppose as the newest member of the family accepts them as they are, my stance is seemingly more ridiculous. I am still the only one on the outer who is not shouting, but in my silence and absence am saying, “there’s something wrong with you lot and I don’t want to be a part of it.”

Am I stubborn?

I’m going to see a counselor about all of this come Monday. Some weeks and months, I find it a lot easier because things are less stressful in other aspects of my life. The sun is out, there are less pressures from other areas of my life and I’m able to deal with this better. But the past couple of months, I’ve not been coping very well with the juggling all my different roles. Even though it’s been a while since I’ve worked full time, I think it’s important for me to have a professional identity – so there’s all that usual stuff a young mum has to deal with. On top of this, the second child question, where to live, long term goals, what do we do with our savings – do we go and get a mortgage, do we throw it into a holiday fund, education fund – all these life questions we suburbanites have to deal with.

Then there’s incest.

I understand that because the abuse was dealt with within the church, everyone is cultish in their reactions. I understand that people need to do what they needed to do to survive. What I am not at peace with is the fact I have to be a part of this.

I feel terrible because I sense that my husband would like some token relationship with the cult. How can he not? He’s grown up within it and leaving it has been difficult. I know everyone has just learnt how to perform in different scenarios, but I’m just not okay with incest because I already have to perform so many different roles in my life. I resent having to perform the one of the good daughter in law.

I read some of my old entries and I forget most of what has happened. I forgot that the incest perpetrator said, “why do you want to cause more pain?”

What I would like is for him to disappear, but it’s not going to happen. I dislike his arrogance, his misogynistic attitudes, his woe is me piousness. He takes part every year in the Easter rituals at church, always plays the role of one of the apostles getting his feet washed by Jesus. Sin softens the toe callous.

I suppose when I can’t get the time to see a counselor regularly, this is what I have to do. I have to come here, to my little nook in cyberspace and just purge.

One of the reasons all this became so stressful is because I was worried about the welfare of two children. Their parents were told. They know who Mr Y is.

I don’t know what they do with their childcare now and I don’t care. I don’t want to know. They are not my responsibility.

Maybe I’m just very pessimistic tonight and am just feeling shit in general. I have a bad feeling. I know that some people like to give the paeds a chance to show that he can be a good person. Especially people from their religion.

God I have such a bad headache.

I’m feeling pathetic because I’ve been on hold for some crisis line because I just needed to talk about this to someone and the counselor said, “what’s your problem? Your story is convoluted. You make no sense.”
And the thing is, it doesn’t make any sense why this affects me today – except that the Paeds made contact today and disowned my husband for not accepting him and his mother keeps talking about how sad, old and frail she is.

The whole situation is farcical, tragic and intriguing – oh the anonymous counselor (fisher of narratives)’s words. It’s not intriguing you fuck wit and yes it is out of your realm of experience…and maybe you’re just volunteering to get your welfare payments. I don’t know.

But this is what’s bothering me:

* If I had not discovered the internet pornography, no one would have been wiser and the happy facade could have been maintained. Everyone has moved on/continued living in denial – so what is my problem??

This is my problem:

1. I really don’t like to be around a man who has raped 3-4 of his daughters. I don’t care if he’s got one of his daughters to testify what a great grandfather he is and decent dad. It creeps me out.

1. I really hate how manipulative he is and how he is now the good guy in all of this.

Fact:

1. I’m just trying to lead my life and protect my son.

2. I don’t want to be around that bad energy.

3. I am really really sad about the whole situation.

4. I’m not the anti-christ. I just hate people who use religion to justify and forgive raping children.

I should have called the cops – but it was too many years ago now and those who were abused don’t want to dig through history or are deeply religious and find it a very Christian experience and challenge to forgive the fucker.

I don’t like swearing so much. I don’t like seeing my husband so sad. I managed to not let it affect me for a very long time.

A few months ago I suggested that my husband invite his parents and parents down when I was at work. I felt that it was ok for them to see my son. They came down, I stayed at work. But softening my stance made them push for more. Guilt trips – we’re not young anymore. Why are you punishing us? Why can’t you be compassionate, Jesus taught us etc…. 

My husband is too honest with his parents. I suggested taking an ambivalent approach, answering questions with non-committal statements. But they found out we were spending the holiday season away from them and the mother used her age, pathetic-nature, God against us again.

“Everyone else has forgiven us why can’t you?”

I’m embarrassed and sickened that these people are my son’s grandparents.

The abused daughters follow the path of least resistance. They have been raised to be very meek and mild, and obedient. They do what works for them – I’m sure its difficult for them to maintain any “anti-paedophile” stance without being accused of being a hard line bitch. What I find incredulous is that the sick deluded man and his wife can turn this into our issue. That someone who rapes children and someone else who enables the rape of children can play pitiful victims. 

Why can’t they respect the fact that I don’t want to spend my precious spare time with people like them?

Mr Y called my husband asking when he would see my son again. My husband is not ready for his father to see our son.

We saw Mrs Y. She is really good with my son and my son adores her. It was sweet to see them together and so sad. Why is Mr Y just so selfish?

My husband wants him to go into counseling not for himself, but for my husband’s sake.

It’s just so sad.

I went back to work recently. It’s nice to have something to be irritated by other than the “whole incest thing.” My co-workers don’t understand why I grin like a simpleton when they are obviously stressed out with whatever work issue they have. Work has been really good for me.

My next step is to get some more space for my social life. I haven’t had one in about a year. Firstly because of the baby, then because of this whole incident.

I feel really really sad today about it all. I couldn’t celebrate my son’s birthday the way I wanted to. I couldn’t have a big celebration and not invite everyone. I know I could have but despite how I feel about Mrs and Mr Y I feel sorry for them.

They are so sad.

And it makes me so sad for my husband.

I need to move on with my life. I think I’ve processed this enough. Now I’m just impatient to get on with my life. I feel strong enough to tell them to back off and leave me alone. I feel strong enough to make plans for my family’s future without making plans around Mr and Mrs Y.

It’s been difficult because the culture I grew up in dictates that you respect your elders especially your in-laws. They could have had a great daughter-in-law. It’s their loss.

My son is my number one priority. I need to keep plodding along with my plan so that we can move to a better area and access better public schools. I will keep living my life and maybe one day I’ll feel comfortable enough with the idea of them seeing my son. Maybe when my son can talk and walk, but that’s only because I know my husband wants his mother to see my son. I’m ok with that so long as she stops sending me loaded manipulative cards.

So I’ll tell him to speak to her about these cards. I’m open to an honest conversation but not to these gestures and stupid cards about the brevity of life, praying for the day we can be as before…I’ve learnt that you can feel compassion for someone, but not get involved.

And this has nothing to do with religion.

Things are turning around. We’ve both had a change in work situation, he doesn’t have to get up at an obscene hour anymore, he’ll only have to catch one train to work, he’ll have more time at home. He’ll have a few night shifts, but the pay off is that he gets the days off to sleep in, relax, to spend with me and my baby. I’m really looking forward to this second half of the year.

This first half has been hellish. It’s the first time I’ve experienced such intense stress and pain from external factors. I know that seven years ago people were dying around me and I was in a very strange place, but at least there is some sense in death. It’s part of life. There seems to be more sense in clinical depression and anxiety. But this? I just have to accept that it is what it is.

Processing this has been like processing a death – the five stages. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance.

I will keep this blog up for a little while longer as I may need to return here at some point. But for now, I’m closing this chapter and moving on with my life.

I had a great day at work. I just enjoy being around people – of course I’m probably working alongside a paedophile. There are so many out there. I’ve confided in a few people and from this disclosure, I’ve discovered another 3-4 paedophile/incest perpetrators. It seems as if almost everyone knows someone. It’s definitely the last taboo and I really hope that in telling people, other people talk about it with the people around them.

The best path for me is to maintain my boundaries. I felt so much better after talking to my husband about this very honestly and asked him to tell Mr and Mrs Y to leave me alone…for now. To be honest I don’t think I want my son to have a relationship with them, but maybe for my husband’s sake I might do two token visits a year – when there are lots of other people around. But I’m not going to put myself through the stress of arranging a separate birthday party for my son so that they can attend. I will speak to my own parents about how they feel about it. I think if they were with my son when he sees Mr and Mrs Y, I might allow it. I can’t let my husband take my son to see them alone because I don’t want Mr Y touching my son. I know he’s not going to abuse him in public and he doesn’t abuse little boys, but my son could have been my daughter and if he were a little girl I probably would not let him see the baby at all.

The psychologist explained that people like Mr Y are arrested in their development. When they abuse children they are back at the age they were abused or exposed to sex. Which is why it’s so important children do not engage in pre-pubescent sexual activity. That he is a “pseudo-adult” when he does “normal” things like go to work, run a business. The psychologists say that it’s a “vulnerability” which means he just cannot be around children from 6-12 years old by himself and Mrs Y in her “Love will conquer all. God bless” mode cannot be trusted because she will leave him with children. (It happened again and again). Of course the family tell me it’s ok because some of the grandkids have been left with him and “nothing” has happened. Sure.
Then why do the kids pick up on a “dirty old man” vibe. Maybe he has been dormant for a long time, but I would feel icky leaving my child with them.

It’s been a very sad time for my husband.

I feel very sad that he has lost his parents because they are just not who he thinks they are. Maybe we all have multiple personalities and this is an extreme case.

I find that I can be more zen about this now that I’ve set my boundaries. Now that I’ve decided I’m staying in this position and I can’t be persuaded to change my stand, I am more relaxed and can begin to view it from a less emotionally charged perspective.

I’m going to go to my other blog now to blog the less taboo things in my life.